Is this Red Dawn?

WTF is wrong with my IJ? My post by email isn't working. My email notification isn't working....

God damn it. LJ is looking better to me again.

Army of Women...

I signed up.

Will you?

http://www.armyofwomen.org/

Oh my fucking god...these people are voters!!

Went to my local mini library and found some Depeche Mode music ("Black Celebration" and "Ultra"). Ran to my car to retrieve laptop and burned to itunes. From itunes to some blank cd(s) (why yes I do carry black cds in my car - you never know when you might need to burn music from laptop in out of the way places) and now am going to enjoy some lovely music on the way to my Coping Class.

I fucking love the library!!

I want this letter opener for Christmas....It's the latest in technology!

Me...catching up

Today will include the following:

** Walking the dogs on fabulous new front lead harnesses. I'm not sure where my dogs are but the dogs that I walked were like angels and I've decided to keep them.

** Grilling half off New York steaks in the backyard (were priced at $18. I paid $9)

** Obtaining new library card.

** Hanging out in my backyard that I've come to think of as my secret hide-a-way.

** Importing Trace Adkins onto itunes. (Yes, I love country...)

** Finishing up Capote (The movie) in back yard as the sun sets.

** Starting new Truman Capote book from Library.

** Drinking ice cold beer

Today makes all the emotional "stuff" from the week absolutely worth it!!

Absolutely!

In anticipation of my initial visit with a mental health specialist at group health, I didn't hardly sleep a wink last night and didn't go into work today.

I like the lady.

She says I'm moderately / severely depressed.

I knew this already.

However she also acknowledge my not wanting to return to Paxil and felt that I was in an okay place to make that decision. I told her my previous experience of being given the anti-depressant and placed in the corner only to be forgotten about for the next 7 years. She didn't like the sound of that and said we should solely try cognitive therapy before even suggesting the introduction of medication again (if ever).

She asked her questions. I answered. Each answer painted a raw picture of emotional vomit that I've been dying to talk about. She asked me what I wanted out of spending time together to which I said "Paxil didn't cure my depression / anxiety nor allow me to examine my life and all that has happened. It only suppressed those things . I don't want to walk down the sidewalk any longer with this "stuff" behind me. I want to turn around and just confront it".

Yhea I said that.

We talked about my "ticks" or nervous movements. She said to give it a few more weeks to see if they dissipate. If they don't not to worry. She encouraged me to journal on paper. This led to an interesting discussion of my inability to do so because I feel like I'm not being honest but only writing what I think other people would like to read. This led to discussing my need for perfection due to needing to make my mother happy. This led to discussing my mother forcing me to be perfect in order to forget how imperfect her parenting skills were. Which led to discussing her relationship with her mother and her sister....deeper and deeper it goes.

There is a lot of work to be done.

I think I'm ready for it. I won't see her again for a few weeks. Insurance stuff. But the way I look at it; it took me 38 years to get this fucked up I can take my time trying to figure out how to unravel everything.

I feel raw. My stomach is all wound up. My teeth hurt from clenching them. I can't seem to stay focused on any one thing for too long. But I took the first step in letting someone in to see my imperfections / general fucked-uped-ness so I feel really good about that. The best thing out of today is I got a referral to attend a weekly coping skills class. They're free so I don't have to worry about running out of "sessions". I'll be participating as soon as I get a call from them.

I.O.N.
Actually I guess there isn't any other news as of now.

The first: I had a fantastic weekend. They seem rare in my current state so I am trying to hold on to this lovely post weekend feeling as long as possible. It did in fact include the following:

Camping at Hamma Hamma
Fishing (Ashley not me, but fun to watch)
Lots of picture taking (coming soon)
Water Falls
Marshmellows
Muck Muck (Fire)
Crocheting
Hiking
7 mile bike ride down a "mountain" (Ashley followed me in the truck and said I looked HOT!)
Spending time with my neice
Watering my front yard

Second: This is officially day 19 of not smoking. That's pretty fucking cool. I'm happy about it. It hasn't been easy and I still want to kick babies but am keeping that urge under control.

ThirdI now have an appointment with a behaviour health person (aka therapist) to just sit and talk about what life has been like since coming off my paxil 6 weeks ago. I haven't seen a therapist in over 7 years so am a little anxious. I also am waiting for approval from my PCP (primary care physician) to get appointments with a naturopathy specialist as well as acupunture. I wish I could get them to okay massage but I don't feel like pressing my luck.

Fourth I'm thinking about only working 20 hours a week until school starts up the last week of September. I don't know why I push myself. I'm not 25 years old any longer and need to realize this. I don't need to work crazy hours. Financially we're okay but I don't want to feel like I'm not working as much as Ashley. I make almost triple what she makes so I just need to slow down and take time to do what I want (work on the yard, spend time at starbucks, sit on the beach). My mental health is very unstable right now and I need to step up to the plate and take care of whatever "taking care of my mental health" means.

FifthMeh...no fifth!

Today's icons:

A little longer...

A little slower (webcam)...

Pretty much the same info but in ASL form.

I present to you; The Van Waldenburgs!!

Wednesday I was enjoying a dove chocolate (actually a few) when I realized that the wrappers had individual messages on the inside. I only had one chocolate left so was extra careful to open so I could read the message:



This little message of wonderful goodness is now taped to my steering wheel to remind me to just what it says!

Here is one of my new water bottles that Ashley got for me yesterday...so damn cute!!



I love my car...Here's one of the reasons:



That little punk rock / cowboy scenery is on my dashboard. :D

And finally what I love to drink. Venti iced coffee / with room / unsweetened thank you very much!

Some days LJ will let me use these bad boys!!!

This post is more about letting myself know I survived another day of the "Holy crap batman, wtf is going on here" saga known as my life in it's current state. I got out of the house for a bit late in the afternoon with Ashley. She took me to Ruby Tuesday for a much needed fill of iron (STEAK) and then a banana cream blizzard from Dairy Queen.

I came out of the very very dark cloud known as yesterday with little to no harm to my environment nor myself and for that I am grateful. I don't feel as "angry" this morning (thought at the time of this post it is only 6:15am) but I am full of restlessness. My legs are killing me and what I really want to do is kick them out like a baby in a bouncer to get all the anxiety out (if this makes any sense let me know cause I'm not sure what I'm saying here)

I have an appointment request into my PCP (primary care physician - group health lingo) and to the mental health department as well. I will not go back on the Paxil. Hopefully they can come up with something more homeopathically friendly. As 40 approaches around the corner I've come to understand that I do not want to be a pill popper any longer. I'm pretty angry about the withdrawel effects the Paxil has given me. Don't get me wrong, Paxil works for me. Why I don't want to take it is still being worked out in my mind. I think I'm tired of relying on a pretty white pill and then having my doctor place in the corner as if I don't exist any longer. I'm ready to talk to someone about my anxieties and my depression. I'm ready to talk to someone about death, rape, love and losses. I'm ready to talk about a childhood that has turned me into this adult that can't talk about emotions. I'm ready to talk about a first failed marriage that is affecting a second marriage more than it should. I'm ready to talk about why I cry and obsess over what I can't control and yet don't seem to give a damn about what I can control.

I just hope they're ready.

Today is full of teeth clenching and already my jaw hurts. I'm leaving early from my vrs job to go into the "big" city (Seattle) and do an all day job there. This should help me get through the rest of the day.

*crosses fingers*

Oh my fucking god, I am so irritated / angry / pissed off right now that I feel like kicking my dog for no reason except to let off some steam. This Paxil shit has really got me messed up something awful and I'm really about ready to go and check myself in to some sort of hospital until I get passed withdrawel crap.

I'm feeling pretty defeated. I want to take my Paxil. I want all the anger and confusion to go away. I want my vertigo to go away. I want to do something else except sit in the house and think about how angry I am for no reason.

Why do doctors give you this stuff? It works when I'm on it but I don't want to be on it any more. Weening myself isn't going to work. I forgot to take my meds 80% of the time. If I could just punch my fist through some random concrete wall and cry because it hurt so much I might feel better. I can't cry and that's making all this build up even worse. I wanted to tell Ashley not to come home today cause I'm just a shitbowl of negativity and how goodness how fun is that going to be?

I literally am hearing voices in my head this time. This can't be right? I can't understand what is going on with me physically / emotionally. I want to take my car and drive it toward a brick wall at about 100mph and call it good.

Something is seriously wrong. Maybe I should call some sort of mental helpline.

I wanted to watch another movie this morning but had to get down to business and pay the bills. Today is payday. Payday for me means pay day for everyone else. Everyone else being my phone, truck, car, taxes and utilites. I put $150 away for fun money this weekend and will pay the rest of the bills when my last summer quarter check from school job comes on Monday.

Ashley and I have plans to go to the Ocean tomorrow for sand frolicking, kite flying, and fish and chips. I can't wait to get my hands on a cheap plastic kite and set it free in the air. I'm on the look out for either a spidey-man kite or strawberry shortcake. The fish and chips will be devine and you can never go wrong with sand frolicking.

The other part of the weekend may be spent on Vashon with her family so that we can partake in steak eating of large proportions. Or maybe we just stay in bed and skip Sunday all together.

I.O.N.

I've been leary of mentioning this: I have taken myself off of Paxil (again). Hopefully this will be the last time I attempt to get off of it. I refuse to go to the doctor's for this latest round of "get me the fuck off this med" cause I don't want it to be a long drawn out process. I'm used to the "zaps" and the restlessness. I know what to expect. I'm at about the 4 week mark of not taking the Paxil and am at a very vunerable point. I'm having the "zaps" like mad crazy. If you're not aware of the zaps, it's like bolts of electricity being shot into your body at random moments. For me they're coming about once every 2 minutes. This means I'm either tensing up until it passes (clenching jaw, hitting fists together) or I'm having some random fit of spastic movement (rubbing my head with the back of my hands or scrunching up my face and pushing the back of my hands into my cheeks). I'm also in the dizzy stage of withdrawel. With my vertigo this is a little scary but am managing it on an "okay" level. If I had to put it on a level like homeland security I'd say we're at an orange level. I just need to be more aware of what I'm doing. My emotional status is very weak and I am allowing myself to feel every emotion out there.

Ashley has been very helpful during this time of instability. Last night she rubbed my back while I fought back an emotional outburst due to it being dark and I was going to bed instead of going to work. She just let me be until I worked through it (and by working through it I mean clutching stuffed bear, fetal position at the bottom of the bed under blankets). She just rubbed and rubbed and rubbed. After about 15 minutes I felt tons better and was able to go to sleep with the both of us linked arm in arm.

Today I'm pretty irritated. I only have the vrs shift (over in an hour) and then a short freelance job that pays on the spot ($100 in my pocket). I'll go home in between and lay on the bed with the dogs. Funny, when I'm super emotional my Makenzie is triple emotional. She just wants to lay her tub o'goo(TM) body on top of mine and look at me in my eyes with her "lets both hate the world together" look.

Oh yhea and it's been over 24 hours since my last cigarette. In order to smoke them I have to buy them and I'm trying hard not to buy them. RESIST THE URGE!!

Movies during my night shift tonight included: Drillbit Taylor and Blades of Glory. In celebration I made two more icons...I am giddy with joy over the BoG one. It may just become my default.









I may update a little in a day or two but right now I'm all wonkdified from working 3 graveyard shifts this week and spend most of my free time sleeping.

Tonight's creation brings two additiona HP icons. These from the Goblet of Fire (Year 4). I'm watching it as I write this post...












I'm especially please with the Hermione icon. I really like the font and the neon transparency option.



EDIT:

I made this one too today. I can't remember the movie I got it off of but geekboy dance = love!

It seems that if I make a new icon everyday, then I'll want to make a little post about it. "Reefer Madness" is my latest icon adventure. The funny thing about this icon is that I ganked the movie from a podcast (Cult of UHF) using my camera. The origal length was 952 frames. I manage to get it down to 62 prime frames and the end result is that little beauty. 

I haven't made any icons in quite a while so it's been fun to get my creative mind going. I'm not much of an artist except when it comes to graphic type stuff. I used to just make still pictures cause cropping / resizing isn't that tough. I've downloaded a 15 day free trial of Ulead GIF from CNET.com. I had it on Ashley's laptop and just put it on mine so I got an extra 15 day trial. I really like it. I will probably purchase it when the days are up (13 left as of this posting). 

I.O.N.

I got my first pedicure today. Ashley bought me a 1 hr pedicure for no reason except she loves me. It  was paid for before our little spat this weekend so it wasn't bought out of guilt. That made it even more sweeter. I really enjoyed the pedicure but as always with coming out of a mild bout of depression I got super senstive about it. I had conflicted emotions because we were in a nice part of Seattle (Madison valley) and it was an upscale salon. The conflict came because it was full of upper-class white women having their feet scrubbed by Asian decent women.  It was just made me feel guilty and yet excited because I get this really special gift from Ashley. 

Working a quite a few graveyard shifts this week. Today (Tuesday Mid - 8a) Tomorrow (Wednesday Mid - 8a) and Thursday, the same hours. I don't mind it too much except my Netflix is a fucktarded at the moment and I don't have all my lovely movies to pass the time.  I have almost 300 podcasts to get through so at least there is some entertainment. 

/random ranting