Your flaming lips, coming down...around your sharp tongue.
That pierces my heart. And you spit out metallic traces of my blood.
And wrap your poison around my head.
An acidic glove.
Burning fingertips do the trick. And dull fingernails.
Mind to scratch the dried up ducts in my frame.
Run me unrecognizable. But you know it.
Know my name.
I hate knowing you now. Hate my memories.
I can't carve out my endless thoughts of you.
Perpetual hate of all our time.
Hate that my heart still beats for you.
Even as you stab it through.
I don't understand this way of life. Half alive I am.
Your lingering spirit of hands and feet.
Death is defeat and I'm your meat.
But your cruelty is too careful.
Your hands are too neat.
To be rid of such a wonderful gift. My smile and my hope.
I give too freely the things you should've won.
My face is too innocent, beams of the sun.
You need me and you love me some.
You crave my proximity. I'm your loaded gun.
Your .38 calibur under the mattress.
Your lock and stock. Pricking the back of your neck and you're so wired.
The smoking barrells and the shots are fired.
Me so clean mines are tired.
I can't run from you, unless you're my legs.
I can't come for you.
But you come to my bed.
You're only the best thing I've ever known.
You're only the most horrible love I've ever grown.
And love you forever is my destiny.
And never lose you is my misery.
And ever follow you is my fate.
And never leave you for love's sake.

Feeling sorta: drunk

Update bitches!!!!!

So Yeah I'm tired. I'm sleeping as a bitch. Too much work...not enough play. But comes with the territory. Besides I'm starting to think workaholism is bred in my blood. So I'ma stop fighting the feeling. Seriously read this book...unless you're squeamish or weak hearted. Heather Lewis is raw as fuck. But it's the kind of raw that's refreshing and necessary to make her point. Loria sometimes compares my writing to hers. But I'm so sure her writing ability and style are unparalleled. She also has two other books she wrote, before she killed herself in November 2002. I don't so much advocate suicide. I know some of us have felt at the edge...to that point at one time or another....but yeah. Anyway it's a wonderful book. Once again a little raw...so don't say I didn't warn you. I know a lot of shit was trudged through to get it published. And then it still didn't get published until after her passing. But I mean it's like she got the guts to say some things that we've all been thinking but were too afraid to say. Or didn't know way we could say it that wouldn't involve steppiung on someone's toes. Here are some good quotes for ya:

"I'd promised myself. My life may have looked haphazzard and I suppose a lot of it was, but I'd kept this one piece very well ordered....Had tried to make it just about sex.....until the feelings themselves overlapped and tangeld up, impossible to distinguish, or stop, or recover from. These were the feelings that had made it necessary to stop feeling in the first place- to stop all of them. Or at least dull them, blunt them. Find so many ways around them, to never allow them. To keep myself especially far from love, and even farther from being loved because, of the whole lot of them, these were the only two that could actually kill you."

Never were such truer words written. Excepting all of her grammatical errors. It's the good shit.

Nothing much to say, bu some gifts for your eyes.

Okies...it's been a few days....

Alright the weekend. On friday me and my autn decided to skip the grand reopening of Metros. But a bitch like me got paid....so as expected lip rings!!!! I'll post a pic later I swear. They're cool...black.....plastic. Anyway Saturday was the big Mother's Day thing the youth form the church put on. Bought a shirt and wore a skirt. Who's a girly girl? I am.............................. NOT. Then we went home and Dion cooked on the grill. Sunday went to work, then went to Loria's. We chilled rep'ed the block at the corner store like old times. Then when Ryan came home I was forced to smoke a bowl with them...Peer pressure is crazy huh? So we smoked and then we all passed out in the living room while watching Blade Trinity. And trust I love sci-fi action. Regardless of the over-blackness of Wesley Snipes. And I love it all the way when someone kills someone else with a bow and arrow. I love that shit!!!! I be like "...arrow his monkey ass!!!" I was a little weirded out that the person doing the arrowing was the daughter from Dawson's Creek....but you take what you can get. Anyways I left there went home. Called my mom and grandma to wish them a Happy Mother's Day. Talked to my grandma for a while and didn't talk to my mother at all. She hasn't been returning phone calls for the last few weeks. As is her way, to claim that you're being selfish by not calling her. Then turn around and decides you need the exact same treatment....Hypocrite. After the calls I got smash faced off of Bacardi and watched Catwoman. Clifton and his brigade came. So we chilled for a while. Halle Berry as a kitty cat.....mouth waters. Anyway then I called Ty. By she and I are fighting. So we didn't really talk that long. And haven't talked since. Because we both have to much pride to simply call and apologize. No matter how short life is. Monday was supposed to be off....hince getting smash faced Sunday night...but the bitches called at 6:50am begging me to come in. So I stumbled up there around 9. Yep I'm Amy's ass monkey and she knows it. She never calls from McDonalds cause if I see that shiot on the caller id I wouldn't pick up. She always calls from the cellphone. And I never be wanting to talk to her anyway but I always answer even though I still see her name on the caller id. So after work a bitch like me was tired, I drank the rest of the Bacardi and went to be early. I don't think anything at all happened on Tuesday. Today was bullshitty. Tam didn't schedule enough people to work so there was only three of us from 6am until 8am. Struggling..... Then later I told my manager Lori that she did things half assed and was ass backwards. And she happened to be on the phone with our district manager when I said it. So I got sent home early.

P.S. oh and I have a little confession to make.....Please swear you won't tell my aunt. I accidentally set the dumpster on fire, last night. My aunt was like when Dion came home there were hugh flames in the dumster the fire department had to come and put it out and everything. She whole heartedly believes the rowdy guys next door did it as a gag. And I was so afraid to tell her I actually did it on accident.....::stomach churns:: what to do what to do.

It's too much work now to distinguish me from you. So I've stopped trying. I can't tell where your feelings end and mines begin. Where this winding trail will lead us both in the end. We turn ourselves inside out, for each other to see. Then bend over backwards and slit each others throats if the water comes up to our knees. Cause we're so afraid of what this could mean. Only placing our hearts close enough to be seen. Taking steps backward to prevent our fall. Giving little bits of ourselves. But making sure it's not quite all. So I put my life on a retractable leash. And pull it back if ever you bear your teeth. And we're too aware of each others' effect. And too ourselves to give the certain respect. We're running too far away everyday. And pulling our ropes then giving them slack. And holding each other so close, so tightly that we can't breathe. And only letting go when we feel the heart beat receed. Be nearer to me, and be all that I see. You be my skin. And your skin will hold me in.

::yawn::


I'm tired today. I think it's because of the rain. Or maybe my mood. Whatever I woke up and it was raining. And I had slept through my alarm clock. Which is usual for me. So I woke up tried my best to get ready cause of course I was late for work. In and out of the shower. And late for work. And then the day seemed to drag on as slowly as it possibly could. I couldn't believe it!!!! So finally 2 o'clock came and went. But of course I wasn't allowed to go home on time. Finally I got off. But I got a present!!!!! I love presents. Lawrence brought me thois huge cd case full of cds. He said someone out in the apartment complex where he lives was trying to get a few bucks for weed. He flipped through it, relaized it was mainly punk and thoght of me. Brought it to work and was like have at it. So I flipped throuhg and it has some good shit ( NOFX, Something Corporate, Dashboard Confessional), stuff I've heard of but never tried out (Yellowcard, Better Than Ezra), and stuff I haven't heard but am willing to try (Bad Religion). Thank you Lawrence!!!! Anwyay after work. Me and my aunt sat there and had a long talk. My mom called me last night. She's pregnant again. As if the only thing she can so now is open her legs to Alvin. As if all the stuff she'd bitched about and worked so hard to obtain, meant absolutely nothing to her. And then it's not like she's in the ideal situation to sit back and keep reproducing with :cringe:: Alvin. She's selfishly bringing more people into their already fucked up situation. All I could remember was how she used to tell Eric and I that we were big screw ups. Like her mistaken children. And that one day she would have two more and they'd be perfect and good and all that. And they would overshadow us. Well I guess she completed the first phase of her plan. So it's supposed to be a time of congratulations, but I only have my scorn to give her. My brother called her again and asked if he could come home again. And she turned him down. Then he threatened to kill himself. She told him to check in to Riverside and tell them he was suicidal. He declined. So at this very moment I have no idea where my 19 year old brother is. How he is or what he is into. And even if I did I am 9 hours away. I don't know how I will deal with my mother's situation. All I can imagine it will be now is her beggin me to come back and be her live in punchbag, the mat she walks all over and uses until it's worn out. And I remember all the times I did it before and don't want to again....... these create senses of devastation that I can't dispell

My brother [Eric] has lost his mind. And he's trying to take my mother with him. I can't stress over it anymore. I don't have any kids. I knew that my mom would call evenually. I kept telling Ty that I really needed to call her. And she kept telling me to. And I kept putting it of. And Ty asked me today had I called her yet. And I said no. And of course who should call but my mom.
And the drama between her and my brother continues. He got out of prison in October. First Alvin said that he couldn't come there. Then they let him come. And of course he showed his ass. Stole money from Alvin. Had sex with girls in my mother's bed, while my little brother was in the living room. Let said girls steal clothes and shoes from my mom. Well I know that hed been living out in Williamsburg with some girl. She's 24 and has three kids. I've spoken to her a few times. She seems decent. Anyway he was fucking up there. Stopped going to the school my mom got him in, and stopped going to the job she set up for him. So he was out in the country selling drugs, and bumming rides in the girls' moms' car. He called me. Updated me. I did my best to give him a talk that had support as well as the necessary admonishment. He told me about some other girl that he'd been messing with. I told him if he was going to live with the one girl that he needed to respect her. That if he didn't want to be with her, then he needed to tell her. He agreed. But in the end I'm sure most of our coversation went in one of his ears and out of the other. Because when my mom called she said that the girl he'd been living with had one of her baby's daddy's beat his ass to the curb....for real....face bust...all types of shit. So he was obviously kicked out. He called my mom asked to come back there. She let him. But the one condition was that he could be in the house alone. Well she got him another job, but it wa sa third shift gig. So he didn't have anywhere to go during the day. Well Alvin told him he could come to work with him (at the shop) and wait until my mom gets off to go back to the house. He did that the first day then the seond day, he got pissed and went off on mom. He waited untill after Alvin went to work then he snuck in while my mom was in the shower. When she left ramsacked the house, then attempted to steal my mom's van. However he didn't go very far with that, seeing as Alvin had taken the engine out a few weeks prior. The police found it a couple of blocks from the house and called Alvin at work to come and pick it up. When my mom got home Eric comes walking up and my mom asked him if he had anything to say for himself. He didn't or wouldn't, or was too consumed by his pride or selfishness. So she told him to leave and that if he ever came back she would call the police on him. And she means it. And she told me that she's washing her hands clean of him....

Feeling sorta: sympathetic

The days are wearing me thinner now. And swallowing empty dinners now.
Your voice is faded in the dim. And I can't see your face for the pain I'm in.
You won't relive the sear on my flesh. The sleepess nights and wounds that are fresh.
But nothing ever heals.
I'm morose today. I swallowed my pride and it was thick and burning my throat. It almost made me choke. But I did it because I'm desperate. And I hate my desperation more than I love my pride. It makes my stomach queasy. Stifles all thoughts and brings a sense of powerlessness to the surface. And once my hands are down and facing the ground all things hurt pushing it all around. So swallowing my pride was useless and unsettling my my guts. And everytime I get the feeling in my stomach I feel like throwing up. Because I did all of this for you. But you can never see. So I did it all in vain. And none of it was for me. You're in your own world now. One of self mania. And of your own thoughts. And you are forgetting the heart attached to yours. The one I gave you. The one that bleeds constantly now. Because you ripped it out and left it there. And kicking it around whenever you leave. And kicking me in the chest whenever I try to breathe. I want to talk to you so bad. And I can't and it hurts. And my head is filled up with words, and my lips are sewn closed. And this pans out so awkwardly. Because I'm not finished with you. And I don't want this to end this way. I have made such plans. Bawled up in my head. For us and the future. And for all the things we said. For all of the things we're supposed to do. And for the lives we're supposed to lead. And now it's going down the drain. And I'm plumbing out my damaged needs.

Feeling sorta: confused

Don't ever say I never tried. Don't tell me I was consumed by pride.
Don't say where my heart was. Don't tell me where my feelings weren't.
Because I haven't any feelings left. They've all been burnt.
By flames of the unspeakable. And the unspoken rules here.
Because my soul permits no exposure. And makes companions of it's fear.
I'm like your slave, in my laborless way. And I'd do anything you asked. If you wouldn't ask anything today.
Your heart breaks open and it's contents fill the floor.
On into the closet for my rubber boots, to step over and ignore.
But later I'm back. To clean up what hasn't dried.
And give life to your dehydration and liquids that'll seep out your sides.
Taping you together and back to your place on the mantel.
Pulling you down to guide me. Shoving you back when you image reflects betrayal.
Because I love the truth when it strokes my ego.
And I love to know that I'm right. But it's all your fault when the sun dies and sets.
And I blame you for the cool in every night.
And for the moon that shines bitter. And the wind that blows thinner.
And the birds that won't sing. And the phone that won't ring.
Because both our fingers are broken. And our eyes cloud up with rue.
We'd do anything to be talking. But I'll do everything not to talk to you.
I tried with all my might. To not quite try at all.
And laid the traps and was still surprised at the intensity of my fall.
So I'm tearing my heart open. And spilling the contents on the floor.
And waiting for your eyes to grow big with curiosity, then walk over me to ignore.

Feeling sorta: crushed

Ok. So I came home from work and everything was everything. I checked the caller id. Like I usually do when I come home from work. Darius had called like 7 times. I was like what the fuck. Whatever. So I went and laid on the living room floor. My aunt was cleaning up the kitchen when he called again. So I went and sat in the corner of the living room floor. He sounded all out of wits. Claiming that I needed to call Ty as soon as possible. That something was wrong with her. So understandably my heart jumped into my throat. I asked him what was wrong with her. And he was like I promised I wouldn't tell. And she should tell you and all that. So admittedly I was a little anxious. I mean something is wrong with her. You could call and tell me that. But you couldn't call and tell me what it is. But you know. And you barely know her and I'm her girlfriend. So I hung up with him and called her. And her voice was all tear soaked and remorseful. And I think my heart may have fallen out of my chest. So I asked her what happened. And she wouldn't tell me. I beeged her and everything. And her lips were sewn all up. So I started to get frustrated. She asked to get off of the phone so I let her. And I went back to my spot on the floor, laying there trapped inside my head. Darius called back asking what was up. And I was angry and I told him that I had tried to call her, and she didn't want to talk to me. So I was pissed off. And I asked him again to tell me what was wrong with her. And finally he did. He told me that Preston had come over there earlier to play with the kids. And that Ty was talking to him on the phone in (of all things)pajamas. Apparently Preston got a little impatient with her because he was trying to talk to her and she was blowing him off to talk to Darius. So he started throwing stuff and she got off the phone with Darius. And the story is supposed to be that he roughed her up and raped her. But I don't know. It just seems a little overdramatized. But I know that Preston has been over there and has roughed her up before. This wasn't the first time and I'm pretty sure it won't be the last. But the fact that no one would or could tell me what happened was annoying. And then when I asked why: Ty was afraid of the way I'd react. She thought I'd be mad at her. She was afraid that I would blame her, think it was all her fault. Because of her tendency to annoy the fuck out of people and provoke them. But I don't know how anyone could figure me that heartless. To blame a girl for getting beat and raped. There is never a reason for a man to put his hands on a woman in my book. Plus look at the physical of it all. Ty is 4"11 and weighs less than 150 lbs. Preston is over 6" tall. So then Darius tries Ty and me on 3 way. And it's a waste of phone time with us all being silent. And him fussing at us. Asking us why we are mad with each other. Us both denying our anger. And Darius pleading to me that Ty needs me more than ever. And really needs me to comfort her right now. And her crying saying that there was no use, if I couldn't see that on my own. Then hanging up. And al the anger and sorrow stewing. And I called Darius. And he fussed me for being so heartless and cruel, and misunderstanding. And I felt rotten on the inside. And I wanted to comfort her. And I called her told her I would come there, if she wanted. And I would do anything and everything to make her feel better. And she told me she didn't need anything from me. And it burned the skin. And we hung up. And I wished for nothing more than complete solitude. Or an absence of emotion then.

Feeling sorta: depressed

Just FYI I have gotten my lip pierced twice now. The first one was purely impressionistic. The second one I guess borderlines on weirdo/social outcast/un employable. Be that as it may. I only had one Christmas time and when I went to visit in Florida it made a few waves not any too big. Once I first walked in the door, my brother whom I haven't seen in nearly two years grabs my lip and pulls it bottom down, exposing the inside of my mouth for all too see. I have a little sister who is two years old...named Alice if you care. Anyway I was giving her a bath and she grabbed it. She was like: "what's that?" It was weird because I haven't seen her in over a year. I know she can talk and all. But I really didn't realize how big her vocabulary actually was. So I told her it was a lip ring. I was wearing a banana barbell at the time, so it wasn't anything gaudy. It was so cute...and really weird. She kept asking what it was and I kept telling her. And then when I left I gave her a hug and I asked her what it was and she told me. And I just get the feeling that she's walking around a Day Care now explaining to people about facial piercings. Ah the joys of toddlerhood. Anyway it's pierced twice. And Ty said she's not gonna kiss me if I insist on wearing two captive bead hoops in them. But Anthony insists I could really so something with them. And by something I do mean something nasty. And to further prove his point. He started making these lewd gestures with his lips while we were at work. Making me blush and giggle and whatnot. But yeah there's more than one for tons of fun......::just kidding:: I'll post pictures as soon as...

Feeling sorta: crazy

Today's my birthday. Bought myself some new shell toes. But Icia's birthday party is tomorrow so, things are overshadowed. Botrid of Ty for the weekend. Played a naughty trick. I'll probably stab myself when it comes back around. Because you know....Alicia Keys....karma. Anyway can't find my Patches. Sadness. Work. Alright. Star finally got taken down. But of course. I've been giving away pity like an idiot. And of course now I'm all out.
Now there's snow everywhere one the ground. It's killing me. Too cold. Need to go back south. Miss my little sister. Maybe I'll come visit VA this year. Hear that my peeps?!?!?!?!? Back to the eastside. Ride or Die.

Feeling sorta: exanimate

So things are never meant to be the same ever again. I can;t figure withch of these sins is greater. The lying ones that curse my tongue. OR the abominable ones that curse my life. The ones that made me unfaithful and dishonest. Or the ones that deemed me lustful and sexual to begin with. Neither answer offers any solace now. Neither explanation dries the certainty of tears. Because as the Earth turns on a lopsided axis, I realize I become a little less important with each day. I realize you will never again see me with that positive light. With the esteem that used to come floating on your voice. I'm alone now- with my thoughts, and it's the worst place I could be. Stewing in my own upside down, inside out words. Ones that always betray me. Wondering what I deserve now. WHat peace I seek? Wondering if you'll give it to me. Knowing I'm so obviously weak. So so much in need. But you're not going to. And though it was obvious. I'm in a state of utter surprise. You never will because my mouth permeated with lies.

Feeling sorta: disappointed

Amy pinched me. Asked me about becoming a manager again. I gave her the look. Told her that's her problem now. Too many chiefs and not enough indians. She says I'd better say something so she can say something to Dan.

Feeling sorta: amused

Chad makes crass jokes about Julie being my girlfriend. And it reminds me briefly of the same jokes Mario used to make before he up and left, me and Kasey alone. Julie is almost the only person I talk to, other than my cousin Keisha and Ty. Keisha is doing good. She's back with Mike. And he proposed to her. She got pregnant again in September. But she had a miscarriage. We talk. And I miss being in Florida. I miss being near my family. I miss my little cousins growing up. Miyanna is doing good but she still doesn't potty train. She's so smart. She says my cousin Tasha went back to jail again. I worry for her. But I know Eb is taken care of by her father. I don't know about Trayvon. I miss my aunts, who let me come over all the time. Fed me. And hugged me and kissed me. I miss my grandma who bought me work pants when I had surgery. I miss my uncles, who gave me shoes and advice when I didn't have any. And I miss my other grandma who seems to hae seen the entire world. But most of all I miss being in a place I called home.

Feeling sorta: lonely

Ty is mad now. She is hurt. And wants me to be hurt too.
So she doesn't call. And she asked if I wanted to take a break. One for my own benefit. But when I tried to call her and tell her I didn't, she hung up on me. And so I guess I've been forced into this break. Because she's not calling and I'm afraid to.
So yeah she wanted me to be hurt and it works. I tried to be honest and it blew up in my face.
And she blew up all over the place. And has dragged me down a hole, I can't climb out of.
It feels like I can't breathe at night.
And she goes even further. To make me jealous with the Weston (sp? as if it matters) girl.
Hanging out with her getting drunk/high with her. And then the girl calls and begs to get back together with her.
And I think about how she's cheated with this girl before. And what that means for me.
So she's mad because I decided to stick to my bottle. And she's hurt because I can't press to the bottom what Star said.
So she's made me mad with her ex fuck buddy. And made me hurt by abandoning me. And that's what spins quietly now.

I'm no good. I feel too small. Something's going to burn. Sink on you. Drunk on highways someone take the wheel. Faded in the blackout. You left me in. It's safer on the outside. I'm swimming in. This kerosene it's hard to breathe, statics got me down.

Feeling sorta: aggravated

We have all these new managers. Some of them are basically transient, as Amy explained. Greg (who we will refer to as Pock Pock Face) isn't certified yet. Amy wants to send him to Groveport. He has more tailer trash clique family drama than anybody I'v ever met in real life. He made a not very funny joke about Kasey being my ex girlfriend. Amy fussed him for that though. David tries his damnedest to be by the book all the time. But in the end he just comes off as some sort of geek with a huge stick in his ass. Then on first impressions he ruined is with me, by accusing me of trying to offend a customer. Let's see: Bethany and Brandy got certified. Amy wants four salaries and three swings. Now that the biggest thief of the 21st century went down for a $1500 deposit Lori and Brandy are the only swings. Sherice, Jodie, and David are salaries at this time. Sherice stil loves Jesus, and Jodie loves giving me presents.

Feeling sorta: contemplative

Definition: \Love"-sick`\, a.
1. Languishing with love or amorous desire; as, a love-sick
maid.

To the dear mistress of my love-sick mind. --Dryden.

2. Originating in, or expressive of, languishing love.

Where nightingales their love-sick ditty sing.
--Dryden.


LOVE SICK (Bob Dylan)

I'm walking,
Through streets that are dead
Walking,
Walking with you in my head

My feet are so tired
My brain is so wired
And the clouds are weeping

Did I,
Hear someone tell a lie
Did I,
Hear someone's distant cry

I spoke like a child
You destroyed me with a smile
While I was sleeping

I'm sick of love
That I'm in the thick of it
This kind of love
I'm so sick of it

I see,
I see lovers in the meadow
I see,
I see silhouettes in the window

I watch them 'til they're gone
And they leave me hangin' on
To a shadow

I'm sick of love
I hear the clock tick
This kind of love
I'm lovesick

Sometimes
The silence can be like thunder
Sometimes
I wanna take to the road of plunder

Could you ever be true?
I think of you and I wonder

I'm sick of love
I wish I'd never met you
I'm sick of love
I'm tryin' to forget you

Just don't know what to do
I'd give anything to be with you

Feeling sorta: love sick

Well. I think this all started when I was talking on the phone to Ty one day. She told me Preston was nagging her about seeing their kids. But that she wasn't going to let him because he hadn't given her any money. So I mean I saw where she was coming from, because hey you make them you need to take care to them. But by the same token. She has never lead me to believe he was anything less than a decent guy. And do keep in mind that guys are rated on a scale, which is 20 knots lower than females are rated on. So I did say a decent guy-not a decent person. Anyway I gave her my useless opinion on it. That I thought she should let him see them. She concurred the uselessness of said opinion. Then gave me this lame excuse about her kids supposedly going to her mom's house anyway. So they went to her moms. Now I'm not completely familiar with the pick-ups and deliveries, and child exchange between the three parties. But Preston just went to the moms house and picked them up the next day. So I don't know why the mom would give them to him if that wasn't an arrangement. Anyway she did. So Ty was upset and calling him and going by his house and he was no where to be found. So she was really bent out of shape. Well like I poi8nted out before he seeemed like a pretty decent guy. Not one of those I'll kidnap my own kid types. And I believed whole heartedly that they were fine with him. I mean he does come and get them on the regular. Anyway, I was pretty sure they'd return the next day. Well the next night. I went to hang out with Ryan and Loria. Being that it was Ryan's 22nd birhtday we were getting drunk andf playing cards. And I do mean that I was getting all the way fucked up. Well Ty called. And she all crying and upset. And I mean I wasn't to drunk to comprehend that. But I was too drunk to all to offer any real support. She told me that Preston still had the kids and hadn't called. And that she'd been by his house and even hi wife calimed not to know where he was. So at this point in my brain there seemed like only one conclusion. Call the cops. But I guess Ty felt that my conclusion was either too extreme, or highly unnecessary. Because she left me know how she was not going to do it. So I was admittedly a little frustrated,. Here I am offering her what seems like the only obvious solution. The only way it seems I can help, And she insists, on sitting there whining. Even Loria and my aunt said she should call the police. I mean Preston had no rights seeing as they weren't married. So it was in fact kidnapping. Well once again my opion proved useless. I don't really remember what much else came of the conversation (I was pretty fucked up). But I do remember Ty fussing at me about something. I remember yelling at her that I wasn't Preston, that I hadn't taken her gd kids, and to stop taking it out on me. But that's all I really quite remember of the entire converstaion. I know that she hung up on me. Claimed that I didn't care, and that I was selfish. She also claims that I said fuck you, and that I told her I hated her. I apologized profousely later. But it makes my skin crawled that I could have been so mean. She now prefers not to talk to me if I'm drunk. Anyway it was a big fight. I went back to Loria's and finished getting drunk up until 3 in the morning. And stumbled in towork at 6...wondering wtf. The next night she called crying because her kids still hadn't come back. And I was just as big an asshole, making up some lame excuse to get off of the phone with her and not calling back. The next night presented the exact same situation. And got the exact same outcome. Finally the next night we talked like civilized people. And I think that's because Preston called. He'd taken her kids to New York, and was going to bring them back the next day. Even still she told me I didnt care about anything but myself. And I was very slefish. That hurt my feelings so I hung up on her, and called Loria. I asked her if she thought I was selfish, and she snapped. She came over with cigs. And she called Ty wanting an explanation. They talked for a while, and I guess Loria solved a bunch of shit that I would have never been able to save myself. Loria yelled at her a few times. And called her a manipulative smartass, and immature. She told her not to call me anymore. And Ty told her that she was trying to be with me. That's all over now. But anytime Ty wants something to throw in my face. She calls me a cry baby. And asks if I'm going to call my mom.

Feeling sorta: torn

Lull this away. Tear this down. Wind out this day. With that soft breathing sound. I can hear. Intriguing me. Luring me deeper, into this deadly sea. But I can't help it. The pull I feel. Down into the caverns. And hooked by the still. Completely submerged, without a care. Welcoming my destruction. The only euphoria you can share. The tide is rising. And so your voice. It's not surprising. I made such a choice. I love this not knowing. I love this certain fate. I love the mixed feelings you intend to make. I'm not fighting the feeling. I'm giving into the reeling. I love how you're starved. So I give you this heart to carve. You're singing to me day by day. This brings yearning to surface, and me your way. And turning's no use. And resistence in vain. To ignore your call, would drive me insane. But I ignore the pressure as my lungs fill up. And ignore my heart strings that have me feeling stuck. The undetoe drags what was ragged before. And the waves engulf, a loveless core. I float down to you, without a single breath. Carrying what little spirit there is left. I long to part my lips and kiss. My drowning death, this watery bliss.

Feeling sorta: wondering