Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.
I don't know what to say right now. I'm trying and I'm pushing myself to say the five thousand different things on my mind right now, but when they all come together, it becomes impossible for myself, let alone anyone else, to make sense of them.
I wore white, and he wore black. I had the man who raised me walk me down the aisle, and he stood there waiting for me. Not too many people can say that they witnessed the day, but that was the way it was designed. We always talked about how there were so few moments in life that you could have to yourself, away from the world of chatting lips and eager eyes. For one day, we wanted the chance to be normal. To do something in the company of our family, our dear friends, and not to have to worry about anything in the world. But then again, I think that was one of the things I loved the most about being with him. The fact that he made me feel lighter than air. I've never been one whose needed much of anything to make me feel happy, but he made me feel so free.
I can tell this is where things are going to start to get hard for me to explain, and I will be very impressed if you can follow through with reading this and get some understanding. He was the type of person who could make me forget about everything else in the world. We met at a party, on accord of a bet. His friend had told him that he would never have the guts to hit on me... but if for some astounding reason he'd approach me, his friend promised him a free drink. Chris did come over, and we talked and talked and talked and I knew then and there, this was the man I would marry someday. After Chris had chugged his trophy drink, and the night had passed to morning, we spent practically every day together. I went on the road with him, and we'd lounge around on his bus. I'd play with his hair and he'd smile, and in that time in my life, nothing could have made me happier. I was young, I was in love, and after seven months of floating into space, we'd come back down to earth to realize what we both had; something we believed to be unbreakable, something that we thought would stand the test of time. A love that no one would ever be able to experience because it was our own. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, and he wanted to do the same for me. Rings were bought and love continued to grow. We weren't one of those couples who freaked out about every last detail of our upcoming wedding, we were just enjoying every moment of the ride together. He'd kiss my nose, and I'd kiss his chin, and nothing else mattered. Nothing else could even compare.
I always associated New Years with new beginnings. I never believed in resolutions or trying to make yourself better, but I guess I just have always seen it a time for fresh starts and moving forward into something exciting. Don't get me wrong. I appreciate every day for everything it brings, but I can't help but fall under the massive cliche of looking forward to another year. Maybe it's because I've always been so excited to see where life takes me and what's in store for myself and the people I love, and you know, the world at large. That feeling stays with me everyday, but it was always this time of year that the feeling had a little stronger edge than normal.
I guess that was what made up pick New Years Eve as the day we would get married. It didn't need to be fancy, even though we had the means, our love was simple and true. It didn't need a cake that was too beautiful to be eaten or party favors that cost as much as new cars. I don't know. I know people do that and it means a lot to them, but I don't think you need to do that to show your love for someone. But to each his own. Anyway. We just wanted our fresh start together, a way to take in the year, as well as a new life side by side, and really, what a way to start a year.
Including that night, I was able to snag 6 New Year's kisses from him. I'd never regret a single one, and while I didn't get one from his last year, things are really different from that time. It's been over a year now, and it still weirds me out everyday to think of how things turned out between us. I don't regret it, I know it was the right thing to do, I know that, but it's moments like this that make it hard to escape the thought of what your life was not too long ago. I'm trying not to let it get to me, and as much as I will deny it to anyone who asks, here's your bit of honesty; it's pretty damn hard this time of year. Every decision I have ever made in regards to that man, I would never take back in a million years. I don't live my life that way, but I'd be lying, and I certainly wouldn't be human, if I said that I didn't think of where I was seven years ago today. Laying in my bed, but unable to sleep because I knew I'd be marrying the man I was meant to be with the next morning.
New Years will certainly have a new meaning this year. It's been a very... interesting year. I've gone through a lot, and while most of it was on my own accord, a few things happened that tested me in ways I didn't know I could handle. I started out in Australia, going through the trial stages of divorce papers and shared custody, to discovering who I am all over again. I made my way back to Los Angeles, and settled down in the house I spent my teenage years in. Traveled to New York and caught up with old friends and took in the city I called home for six years prior. I got the chance to go to Italy and sing my heart out to strangers, to go to Boston and work on a movie with some wonderfully funny people, and while I was there, something pretty awful happened, and I felt weaker than I could ever remember feeling. I hopped on a plane to Amsterdam to get myself back, and after a few days of hiding out, I was ready to go back and deal with things. London, Paris, Johannesburg, and it feels like everywhere in between, I saw the world and I got the chance to do it on my own. All of these places, they helped me to find out where I want to be, and all the things I am capable of. I'm still a work in progress, but I think I'm doing just fine.
I'm ready to say farewell to the things that this year has brought to me, and I am ready for a new start, a real clean slate. I think I'm ready to change my meaning of New Years as I have known it for the past six years. Of course, I'll always remember what this day was to me and my Chris, but I know I need to think the way I always did before. That no matter what the conditions are, it's still the time of year to give yourself a whole new slate, whether you're involved with someone or you're not involved, it doesn't mean much of anything as long as you have the confidence to move forward and embrace whatever tomorrow will bring. And after thinking about everything, I know I'm more than ready to take the New Year by the hands and dance with it every single day.
I hope you all have a wonderful time tomorrow and enjoy your fresh starts into the New Year.
Well wishes,
Kate.
|
![[info]](http://www.insanejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}